last hurrah

they said if you wanted to try something new, take a small step. not a big one. i wanted danger. i wanted a taste of that different life. i drove myself in and now i’m struggling to leave.

i wanted a new scene. i was bored with my safe life. same routine, teas and cakes. i looked at you, and it sparked something. suddenly the world changed. it was black and white. i jumped into something new, something different. it was fun. no rules and more freedom, went out at 11 and the party ended at 5.

sleeping over at yours ’cause i’m too drunk to head to mine. ditching plans with friends, to get in trouble with you. i was never scared because i trusted you too much. you knew what you were doing, whispering things in my ears, bringing me closer and closer.  i stopped studying and i was hooked on the idea of our future together.

one day you got mad, i got jealous. our perfect life was falling apart. party ended at 11 for me and i got too sober for you. tea and cakes started coming back in my life

but all of a sudden, it wasn’t just black and white anymore, is this feeling hope?

we were at a party, you convinced me to go. i didn’t know then that it would be my last. i saw you whispering to her and that drove me to the edge. that night, i tried my best to relive the past, i tried my best to bring us back, give me the drinks. give me all of them. except, you went home with her. i woke up on a couch, surrounded with strangers. even though i missed having your arms wrapped around me, that was the last straw.

i am done with everything, with the drinking, with the party, with you. i tried to leave. i tried so hard, but i can’t help bring myself to not leave. but i want the colours back. i want tea and cakes again. but then you knew i was slipping away and you finally felt that it wasn’t okay.

you said those three words without meaning it because that was the only thing that could make me stay. even though i knew you were not speaking the truth, i stayed.

except there were no parties in my life anymore. i just wait for you in your bed to come home.